I came up of a list of 5 things everybody should try sometime.
1. Keep yourself occupied for thirty minutes with just one coin
2. Sleep under your bed
3. Do something stupid with only a sponge
4. Play nine holes with your weak hand
5. Walk up and down stairs two or three at a time for one whole day
Go for it.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Wendy's is a joke.
You've seen that Wendy's commercial where they say, 'If meat was meant to be frozen, wouldn't cows come from Antarctica?'
Well, if meat was meant to be square, wouldn't cows be made out of Legos? If meat was meant to be too greasy, wouldn't cows be written by S.E. Hinton? If chili was meant to have fingers in it, wouldnt peppers have hands?
Thats right, Wendy's. Suck it.
Well, if meat was meant to be square, wouldn't cows be made out of Legos? If meat was meant to be too greasy, wouldn't cows be written by S.E. Hinton? If chili was meant to have fingers in it, wouldnt peppers have hands?
Thats right, Wendy's. Suck it.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The best quotes ever.
I was bored and decided to make a list of the best quotes i've ever heard. Leave a comment if you have one to add.
Sex
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married," - Drew Carey
"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." - Charles Pierce
"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy." - Steve Martin
Media
"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer." - Milton Berle
"Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS Five hundred and Fifty grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson: no more trying to expose boobs." - Bill Maher
"Television has raised writing to a new low." - Samuel Goldwyn
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock
"I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe!" - Bob Hope
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - Dave Letterman
"Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy." - Richard Nixon
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." - Johnny Carson
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." - Rod Sterling
Marriage
"Women are like the police; they have evidence but they always want a confession," - Chris Rock... i think...
"Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women." - Gloria Steinem
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?" - Carrie Snow
"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead." - Unknown
"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." - Helen Rowland
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." - Anonymous
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." - Johnny Carson
"I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli." - Michael J. Fox
"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!" - Richard Jeni
"In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'." - Sam Ewing
Bushisms
"Wow! Brazil is big!"
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever."
"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
Other
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy." - Jerry Seinfield
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." - Benjamin Franklin
Sex
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married," - Drew Carey
"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." - Charles Pierce
"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy." - Steve Martin
Media
"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer." - Milton Berle
"Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS Five hundred and Fifty grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson: no more trying to expose boobs." - Bill Maher
"Television has raised writing to a new low." - Samuel Goldwyn
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock
"I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe!" - Bob Hope
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - Dave Letterman
"Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy." - Richard Nixon
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." - Johnny Carson
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." - Rod Sterling
Marriage
"Women are like the police; they have evidence but they always want a confession," - Chris Rock... i think...
"Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women." - Gloria Steinem
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?" - Carrie Snow
"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead." - Unknown
"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." - Helen Rowland
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." - Anonymous
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." - Johnny Carson
"I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli." - Michael J. Fox
"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!" - Richard Jeni
"In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'." - Sam Ewing
Bushisms
"Wow! Brazil is big!"
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever."
"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
Other
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy." - Jerry Seinfield
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." - Benjamin Franklin
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Top Ten - Ways to tell if you are a Poser
I have compiled a list of the top ten ways to tell if you are a poser of a skateboarder/snowboarder. Here it is.
10. If you watch Life of Ryan. Ryan Sheckler is shunned by the skateboarding community. Nobody wants to see a twenty-year-old cry about his terrible life as a millionaire skateboarder who gets every girl he looks at. Most skaters are happy when they kickflip an eight set.
9. If you have more than three DC items of clothing. 'Nuff said.
8. If you still think Tony Hawk is the best skateboarder in the world. The dude would throw out his back trying to drop in. He may have been great in the early nineties. But that was 10 years ago.
7. If you consider Pac Sun a skate shop. Have they ever had anything but clothes and shoes in there? I think not.
6. If you watch Rob and Big but don't know what a tre flip or a bluntslide is.
5. If you wear Burton clothes but ski. Freestyle skiing is fine, but if your like a racer, it's a major no-no.
4. If you think Element is the best kind of skateboard. Have you ever heard of Mullen Uber-Lights?
3. If you get your tricks off Wikipedia. What IS a Fresca Flip? Ask the Wiki god.
2. If you have any posters or pictures of Ryan Sheckler shirtless.
1. If you believe in Kickflip Control.
There you have it.
10. If you watch Life of Ryan. Ryan Sheckler is shunned by the skateboarding community. Nobody wants to see a twenty-year-old cry about his terrible life as a millionaire skateboarder who gets every girl he looks at. Most skaters are happy when they kickflip an eight set.
9. If you have more than three DC items of clothing. 'Nuff said.
8. If you still think Tony Hawk is the best skateboarder in the world. The dude would throw out his back trying to drop in. He may have been great in the early nineties. But that was 10 years ago.
7. If you consider Pac Sun a skate shop. Have they ever had anything but clothes and shoes in there? I think not.
6. If you watch Rob and Big but don't know what a tre flip or a bluntslide is.
5. If you wear Burton clothes but ski. Freestyle skiing is fine, but if your like a racer, it's a major no-no.
4. If you think Element is the best kind of skateboard. Have you ever heard of Mullen Uber-Lights?
3. If you get your tricks off Wikipedia. What IS a Fresca Flip? Ask the Wiki god.
2. If you have any posters or pictures of Ryan Sheckler shirtless.
1. If you believe in Kickflip Control.
There you have it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
What happened to Burton?
I used to be a huge Burton Snowboards fan. I rocked their gear and boards. But over the last few years, my support has dwindled to the point of absence. Why? Because ever since the man, Jake Burton Carpenter, stepped down, that new guy whatshisface has shifted the focus from keepin it real to making more green.
Firstly, they sell their shit in stores like Pac Sun. Just seeing it makes me want to hurl in my Lakais. Kids think they are hardcore snowboarders because they can go to a "cool" version of JCPenney and buy Burton shirts. No boards. No bindings. Just clothes.
Next, they gave up on quality that matches the price. The quality of their hardgoods stays the same as prices skyrocket. They obviously put profit first.
After that, they worship Shaun White. He wins a few medals and instantly has ten different lines of clothing, fourteen lines of outerwear, and like forty pro model boards. Why don't you get someone like Travis Rice? Nobody other than real snowboarders know his name, so he's not worth the money. Shaun White's name makes more money than the rest of the company combined. Just his name.
And that is why i dont like Burton anymore. Why did these things happen? I wish i knew.
Firstly, they sell their shit in stores like Pac Sun. Just seeing it makes me want to hurl in my Lakais. Kids think they are hardcore snowboarders because they can go to a "cool" version of JCPenney and buy Burton shirts. No boards. No bindings. Just clothes.
Next, they gave up on quality that matches the price. The quality of their hardgoods stays the same as prices skyrocket. They obviously put profit first.
After that, they worship Shaun White. He wins a few medals and instantly has ten different lines of clothing, fourteen lines of outerwear, and like forty pro model boards. Why don't you get someone like Travis Rice? Nobody other than real snowboarders know his name, so he's not worth the money. Shaun White's name makes more money than the rest of the company combined. Just his name.
And that is why i dont like Burton anymore. Why did these things happen? I wish i knew.
Regarding MSN Messenger
I hate MSN Messenger. Why? For starters, it's a knock-off of AIM. A BAD knockoff of AIM. It pops up every time i turn on my computer. Well, it did before i got off my ass and uninstalled it. It weedled onto my computer when i downloaded some Javascript program without me even knowing. MSN just wants to make more money by mooching off the success and advertising payout of AOL Instant Messenger. MSN Messenger blows.
Top Youtube Videos - April
In honor of the upcoming Webby awards, I have compiled my own list of the best Youtube videos I've seen in the last month. I will make a new list of new videos every month. Only on the Life of Colin. The winners of this truly great honor are:
Bronze Medal: My New Haircut
Most people have seen this video. It's basically Tourettes Guy who thinks he's getting some "pussy". This video combines good camera work (for Youtube) with a great character. So bask in your hairgel-induced glory, nameless protagonist. You (and your hairdresser) have earned it.
You can find this video here.
Silver Medal: Flight of the Conchords - Jenny
I hope you have seen this one. These two guys are perhaps the funniest things to come out of New Zealand in the last 5 years. They use music perfectly to add to the scene. Simply put, this pair is Wierd Al on steroids. Make sure to check out all their hilarious videos.
This masterpiece can be found here.
Gold Medal: Here Comes Another Bubble v1.1
A song about how technology and the internet are the fastest growing markets. Actually, it has no real meaning as far as I can see... besides being hilarious. This video truly deserves my Gold Medal for April with its fusion of great animation and a humorous song.
The Gold Medal Winner is residing here.
And there you have it. The top three videos i watched in the last month. Enjoy.
Bronze Medal: My New Haircut
Most people have seen this video. It's basically Tourettes Guy who thinks he's getting some "pussy". This video combines good camera work (for Youtube) with a great character. So bask in your hairgel-induced glory, nameless protagonist. You (and your hairdresser) have earned it.
You can find this video here.
Silver Medal: Flight of the Conchords - Jenny
I hope you have seen this one. These two guys are perhaps the funniest things to come out of New Zealand in the last 5 years. They use music perfectly to add to the scene. Simply put, this pair is Wierd Al on steroids. Make sure to check out all their hilarious videos.
This masterpiece can be found here.
Gold Medal: Here Comes Another Bubble v1.1
A song about how technology and the internet are the fastest growing markets. Actually, it has no real meaning as far as I can see... besides being hilarious. This video truly deserves my Gold Medal for April with its fusion of great animation and a humorous song.
The Gold Medal Winner is residing here.
And there you have it. The top three videos i watched in the last month. Enjoy.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Why Guitar Hero Sucks
There are many reasons why Guitar Hero is mad gay.
1. It pisses me off when they play a song on the radio and everyone says, "Hey, this is in Guitar Hero!" I hate people who only know a great classic rock song like La Grange because it's in Guitar Hero. Do you know what album it was on? Didn't think so. If you were a real ZZ Top fan or even a classic rock fan you would know that in a second. I'm not saying the songs are bad, just Guitar Hero makes them good IN THE VERY VERY WORST WAY.
2. People say, "Hey, that song is from Guitar Hero!" The key word is from. Did it not exist before Guitar Hero? Did Guitar Hero write, record, and make famous that song? NO. IT'S NOT FROM GUITAR HERO. IT'S (UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME SONGS) IN GUITAR HERO.
3. People think they have talent because they are amazing at Guitar Hero. Pick up a real guitar. It'll be fifteen years before you can play Cliffs of Dover. If you ever can. Playing Guitar Hero takes as much talent as fingerpicking the main riff to Smoke on the Water (the version with one string and 4 notes total). It's like playing a one string guitar with only five frets that have convenient little cushions on them. GET A LIFE PEOPLE.
4. Did you know that there are kids who have dropped out of school to play Guitar Hero? What the hell are they thinking? You can't live off Guitar Hero, amazing or not. You will die young, poor, and alone. What I really want to know is what fucked up, terrible parent would let their kid drop out of school (often grade school, which i'm sure is even legal) to play a video game that requires no talent and will get you nowhere in life but a soup kitchen (on the homeless side)?
5. DRAGONFORCE IS ONE OF THE WORST BANDS IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC. Nobody save maybe the keyboardist has any talent. The guitarist pick plucks a shitload of random notes and plays some fast parts. The singer sings as high as his manhood will let him (or maybe higher) and doesn't really have a good voice at all. The drummer makes himself sound cool by pumping his double bass and hitting one tomtom a few times. Also, the intro to Through the Fire and Flames is not insane guitar at all. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING PIANO! DUMBASS!
6. The final reason: Bands who don't deserve the publicity get noticed by little kids who haven't been musically molded yet. Great classic bands like The Who and Iron Maiden had to start playing local clubs and work their way up in a process that takes years. Talentless bands can just put together a half-ass song that has some "good" guitar playing, get put in Guitar Hero, and instantly, all the little motherfuckers who worship Lou the Devil know the name. They don't have to go through the ordeal that separates Boston from Fall Out Boy. Now all these little kids listen to this shitty music that will be gone in two years. It's a load of shit. An Endless Sporadic? Come on. They didn't even have a Wikipedia page before Guitar Hero.
Truly this mindwashing game deserves my EPIC FAIL AWARD, and the title of GUITAR QUEER-O.
1. It pisses me off when they play a song on the radio and everyone says, "Hey, this is in Guitar Hero!" I hate people who only know a great classic rock song like La Grange because it's in Guitar Hero. Do you know what album it was on? Didn't think so. If you were a real ZZ Top fan or even a classic rock fan you would know that in a second. I'm not saying the songs are bad, just Guitar Hero makes them good IN THE VERY VERY WORST WAY.
2. People say, "Hey, that song is from Guitar Hero!" The key word is from. Did it not exist before Guitar Hero? Did Guitar Hero write, record, and make famous that song? NO. IT'S NOT FROM GUITAR HERO. IT'S (UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME SONGS) IN GUITAR HERO.
3. People think they have talent because they are amazing at Guitar Hero. Pick up a real guitar. It'll be fifteen years before you can play Cliffs of Dover. If you ever can. Playing Guitar Hero takes as much talent as fingerpicking the main riff to Smoke on the Water (the version with one string and 4 notes total). It's like playing a one string guitar with only five frets that have convenient little cushions on them. GET A LIFE PEOPLE.
4. Did you know that there are kids who have dropped out of school to play Guitar Hero? What the hell are they thinking? You can't live off Guitar Hero, amazing or not. You will die young, poor, and alone. What I really want to know is what fucked up, terrible parent would let their kid drop out of school (often grade school, which i'm sure is even legal) to play a video game that requires no talent and will get you nowhere in life but a soup kitchen (on the homeless side)?
5. DRAGONFORCE IS ONE OF THE WORST BANDS IN THE HISTORY OF MUSIC. Nobody save maybe the keyboardist has any talent. The guitarist pick plucks a shitload of random notes and plays some fast parts. The singer sings as high as his manhood will let him (or maybe higher) and doesn't really have a good voice at all. The drummer makes himself sound cool by pumping his double bass and hitting one tomtom a few times. Also, the intro to Through the Fire and Flames is not insane guitar at all. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING PIANO! DUMBASS!
6. The final reason: Bands who don't deserve the publicity get noticed by little kids who haven't been musically molded yet. Great classic bands like The Who and Iron Maiden had to start playing local clubs and work their way up in a process that takes years. Talentless bands can just put together a half-ass song that has some "good" guitar playing, get put in Guitar Hero, and instantly, all the little motherfuckers who worship Lou the Devil know the name. They don't have to go through the ordeal that separates Boston from Fall Out Boy. Now all these little kids listen to this shitty music that will be gone in two years. It's a load of shit. An Endless Sporadic? Come on. They didn't even have a Wikipedia page before Guitar Hero.
Truly this mindwashing game deserves my EPIC FAIL AWARD, and the title of GUITAR QUEER-O.
Hilary Clinton?
Okay. Lets get something out of the way. HILARY CLINTON DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE OUR PRESIDENT. I'm not saying that because she's a girl. I'm saying that because if you do the research about her history, you will find some fucked up stuff. Look it up. I promise you will be suprised.
Welcome to my life.
Welcome to the Life of Colin. Here, you can listen to me blog about my life. It's ups, downs, funny points, and overall stupidity. Enjoy.
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