The best quotes ever.

I was bored and decided to make a list of the best quotes i've ever heard. Leave a comment if you have one to add.


Sex
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married," - Drew Carey
"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." - Charles Pierce
"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy." - Steve Martin

Media
"They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer." - Milton Berle
"Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS Five hundred and Fifty grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson: no more trying to expose boobs." - Bill Maher
"Television has raised writing to a new low." - Samuel Goldwyn
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." - Alfred Hitchcock
"I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe!" - Bob Hope
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." - Dave Letterman
"Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy." - Richard Nixon
"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners." - Johnny Carson
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." - Rod Sterling

Marriage
"Women are like the police; they have evidence but they always want a confession," - Chris Rock... i think...
"Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women." - Gloria Steinem
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?" - Carrie Snow
"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead." - Unknown
"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues." - Helen Rowland
"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that." - Anonymous
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." - Johnny Carson
"I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli." - Michael J. Fox
"It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!" - Richard Jeni
"In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'." - Sam Ewing

Bushisms
"Wow! Brazil is big!"
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"Removing Saddam Hussein was the right decision early in my presidency, it is the right decision now, and it will be the right decision ever."
"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect."
"Wait a minute. What did you just say? You're predicting $4-a-gallon gas? ... That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."
"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."


Other
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." - Noel Coward
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy." - Jerry Seinfield
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." - Benjamin Franklin